A few months ago I was really interested in Art…now that has faded a bit and now I’m sort of “in between” interests. It's not that I don't care about art anymore, it's just not the "burning passion" of the moment. I have never really figured out what I’m truly interested in or what I really want to accomplish. You should see the "Favorites" bookmark labeled "Sheila's Interests" on my p.c. (a sampling: politics, saving the world, genealogy, astronomy, Trace Adkins, Jon Ciliberto, fundraising, Alpha cups research--one of my entrepreneurial ideas, kids' games & activities, food & drink, health, exercise, etc).
Yesterday, I spent an hour at the library browsing the fiction shelves to find a book that I could “get lost in” b/c I haven’t been able to sit down and read. My inability to read is not that there isn’t time, but just b/c I feel like I can’t focus very well these days b/c I’m in a really strange “place”…caught in sort of a limbo between real true happiness with the wonderful life I have here in the burbs w my beautiful family and wanting my Dad and other friends who are sick to be healthy and wanting to do something really interesting and being jealous of all my friends who seemed to have “followed their dreams” of writing and teaching and a more creative path – i.e. Charlie now teaches, Leigh Ann teaches and writes poetry and Jonathan Ciliberto (http://www.jonciliberto.com/) is just amazingly interesting with his philosophy studies and music and art.
I do feel a bit creative each day as I try to plan out what I want to accomplish (amongst the mundane housework and entertaining kids and actually taking some time to relax and enjoy and explore new things via the Internet or reading books)…but I don’t have a focus or goal for what I’m doing each day…there are just TOO MANY things I “must do” or “need to do” and none of them makes me feel like I’ve done something really worthwhile (I guess not getting paid or rewarded makes me feel this way).
I also spent some time in the non-fiction aisles of the library (mainly in the religion and philosophy sections) and truly wished I had the patience to sit down and read all these books and study something and become an expert on something…..I want to master something…but what that thing is, is a big question mark. There are so many things that are interesting to me and I don’t really want to chose just one (or maybe it’s that I’m too lazy to focus on one thing to become an expert). I like learning about a variety of things and there’s so much out there to discover and learn about, so maybe I’ll just be an expert at exploring….learning just enough to satisfy my current interest then moving on to the new interest. I think this must be what it is like to have attention deficit disorder??? Maybe I do have it? I just wonder how extremely accomplished on a particular subject I could have been at this point if I weren’t too lazy to stay focused on it?!??!?
There are people my age who are saving lives and I’m still in that juvenile stage of reviewing the possibilities….are they better off than me? I am pretty happy….just somewhat restless for more and not really depressed that I don’t have the more, just feeling I have so much more to discover and acccomplish in this life…
I’m not saying that I am disappointed or that I am dissatisfied with my life, b/c I am truly proud of what I have accomplished so far (my marriage, my kids, my career, relationships with my friends and family, my inner peace and happiness, etc.). I just feel like there is SO much more to do and will I have time to do everything I want to do? I guess the whole mortality issue is really weighing on my mind these days.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
20 Random Things about Sheila
Carol posted her list of "Random Things About Me" (from which she was tagged on Facebook) to her blog, so I thought I would too....heck, i spent about 45 minutes thinking 20 random things up so i might as well get as much mileage out of it as possible (like anyone is paying attention....sheesh!).
My 20 random things about ME:
1.I have a tatoo of an olive branch and the words “PEACE” on my upper right back behind my shoulder.
2. I taught high school for 3 years after college and had to quit b/c I’m not patient enough for that noble profession.
3.There’s a bar in Colorado Springs that bears my children’s names: “Jack Quinn Irish Alehouse and Pub” (they were both born in the Springs….hmmm…). (see http://www.jackquinnspub.com/)
4.My grandmother worked for the original architect and interior designers of Graceland BEFORE Elvis bought it.
5.I have kept a journal since 7th grade (about 28 years now).
6.Outside the USA, I have travelled to Italy, Mexico, Germany, Holland, and Great Britain. (updated: Spain in 2013)
7.My favorite number is 4.
8.I drank enough beers to get my name engraved on the wall at the High Point Pinch downtown Memphis.
9.I like doing genealogical research.
10.I lost 20 pounds in 2008 by eating better, exercising more and drinking less alchohol.
11.I have an older sister living in Atlanta and my younger brother and sister live here in Memphis.
12.I was listed in the Colorado Springs Business Journal as one of the “Top 40 Under 40”.
13.I have an obsession with office supplies…I think it has something to do with the fact that when I was little and my dad worked for the U.S. Govt, he would let us “raid” the supply room.
14.I have inhaled.
15.I played basketball and volleyball in high school (yeah, as short as I was, I had to be very aggressive and fouled out most games—broke a girl’s ankle once).
16.So far, I have helped raise close to $5 million for nonprofits (and I hate fundraising “events”).
17.My husband proposed to me on Olmstead Point in Yosemite National Park and we saw a rainbow about an hour later.
18.I have never eaten a meal at Sonic (have had a shake from there, but nothing else).
19.I love the feeling of opportunity that you can find out whatever you want to know in a book or a library or the Internet.
20.The beach and/or the mountains are my favorite vacation spots.
My 20 random things about ME:
1.I have a tatoo of an olive branch and the words “PEACE” on my upper right back behind my shoulder.
2. I taught high school for 3 years after college and had to quit b/c I’m not patient enough for that noble profession.
3.There’s a bar in Colorado Springs that bears my children’s names: “Jack Quinn Irish Alehouse and Pub” (they were both born in the Springs….hmmm…). (see http://www.jackquinnspub.com/)
4.My grandmother worked for the original architect and interior designers of Graceland BEFORE Elvis bought it.
5.I have kept a journal since 7th grade (about 28 years now).
6.Outside the USA, I have travelled to Italy, Mexico, Germany, Holland, and Great Britain. (updated: Spain in 2013)
7.My favorite number is 4.
8.I drank enough beers to get my name engraved on the wall at the High Point Pinch downtown Memphis.
9.I like doing genealogical research.
10.I lost 20 pounds in 2008 by eating better, exercising more and drinking less alchohol.
11.I have an older sister living in Atlanta and my younger brother and sister live here in Memphis.
12.I was listed in the Colorado Springs Business Journal as one of the “Top 40 Under 40”.
13.I have an obsession with office supplies…I think it has something to do with the fact that when I was little and my dad worked for the U.S. Govt, he would let us “raid” the supply room.
14.I have inhaled.
15.I played basketball and volleyball in high school (yeah, as short as I was, I had to be very aggressive and fouled out most games—broke a girl’s ankle once).
16.So far, I have helped raise close to $5 million for nonprofits (and I hate fundraising “events”).
17.My husband proposed to me on Olmstead Point in Yosemite National Park and we saw a rainbow about an hour later.
18.I have never eaten a meal at Sonic (have had a shake from there, but nothing else).
19.I love the feeling of opportunity that you can find out whatever you want to know in a book or a library or the Internet.
20.The beach and/or the mountains are my favorite vacation spots.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Fortification for the BIG STORM
I feel like a big bomb is about to explode or a big storm is brewing….with my dad’s health and now my mom’s heart problems (see the note I wrote Cecelia that I will paste below), AND my grandmother’s advanced age (91—will be 92 in May), I just think one thing is going to set off another and there will be this huge chain reaction of pain and misery for many, many people in my family. This is not even counting my FRIENDS who have their own major pain & suffering!!!
I think that I am “fortified” for the “onslaught” in the following ways:
*I was raised by two really terrific parents who I can truly appreciate now that I am a parent.
*I have a wonderful husband and great kids and really REALLY great in-laws and extended family.
*I have been working hard at being more healthy (“eating better, drinking less and exercising more” have been my mantra, except for the “vacation” I took after the loss of the baby in September and now I’m back on track).
*I have always been pretty strongly spiritually and emotionally “grounded”.
*I have a strong faith that God will take care of me and my family and friends. I may not be a practicing Catholic right now, but I do believe in God and the power of prayer.
(okay off on a tangenet here): I understand that suffering and death are all parts of the “circle” or “cycle” of the universe so I don’t get angry or mad at God for these things. I don’t think he “allows” it or makes it happen to people. I just think it’s the way of nature and there’s not a whole lot of point in blaming “HIM” or the higher being for bad things happening. I DO think many bad things happen for a reason. I don’t always know or understand the reason, but it’s there. I cannot understand why a little girl like Caroline, who has been suffering from cancer for about a year and a half now, has to endure so much pain. I’m sure there’s some reason for that, but I do not have the capability to understand what the Almighty is trying to accomplish.
I cannot control these things, so I just have to be sure I’m being kind, helpful and loving to all my family and friends who are suffering. AND I need to be kind, helpful and loving to EVERYONE (even those I don’t really care for or like) to try to model a better way of living, rather than the negative, “closed off” and angry way of life that so many people chose to lead.
----- Forwarded Message ----From: Chris and Sheila Ferguson
Hi Cecelia,
Well Dad has chemo again today....as of his last chemo (Nov 18) the cancer wasn't shrinking but it wasn't growing either. I think after this round they are going to determine if they can do surgery. However, back in September (when they briefly quit smoking) they told me that the doc would not do surgery until he stopped smoking. So I'm thinking that Dad is just going to "ride it out" b/c he is smoking again. Therefore, I'm not sure what to think about his prognosis.
Now, on to MOM! She was told the week before last (since she was having chest pains) that she needs a cardiac catheterization to determine the level of her blockage and possibly to insert a stint. But she told them that she wasn't doing it until after Dad's next chemo and their big trip to spend New Year's in Naples, FL with Dad's sister Joan and her husband Bob. So she has a friend who is taking her in on Thursday for the procedure.
I'm really frustrated right now to be so far away and unable to help them out. Kathleen is somewhat of a help but she also can't really take off work.
PLUS, Mom is the primary "assistant" to Memo who is starting to fade too....when i was there the week before Christmas she was just getting out of bed at 11 am. She has been taking her meals in her room and barely leaves...sometimes NOT EVEN TO GO TO MASS!!! The only reason I think she "seems" worse is that she has isolated herself and I really don't think she is getting worse (from the relative perspective of an old person) but her condition does worsen with the lack of emotional and personal interaction (which could also be other ppl's problem, come to think of it). Does any of that make sense?
Sorry to "dump" all this but I think I heard that you would like more family interaction...so here you go!! It's better than Papa's notes, right!!?! hee hee!
I'm just trying to get myself prepared for the oncoming pain and misery....this fall has been pretty horrible, and i think it's only going to get worse before it gets better. There will probably be some good times mixed in here and there and that's what will keep me balanced. I'm taking the kids to Atlanta next weekend (Jan 16) and will probably go every month for a while now as I want to spend as much time as possible with my parents and Memo.
WOW....i wrote alot here....i may have to cut & paste it and post it to my blog.
Well take care and have a good week! I will be "haunting you" more often now....hee hee!
Glad nobody broke any bones skiing this year!
TTFN!
Love,
sheila
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