Small Victories in Bettering Myself

I'm giving myself this little trophy:

Been thinking a lot today….about how well I’ve been doing on my diet these past few weeks and that I’m going to reward myself by “taking the day off” from dieting. However, I’ve been so in the “zone” or mode of dieting that I’m having a hard time convincing myself to have a cookie….that’s good, right!?!?!

I’m also thinking about how I’ve been able to transform myself over the past few weeks to a focused, goal-oriented person FROM a “weakling” who just didn’t care what anyone else thought, let alone what I THOUGHT ABOUT MYSELF, who was just eating TONS of bad stuff (got on a terrible roll of eating sweets around Christmas and didn’t shake it til two weeks ago) and DRINKING almost every night. I’ve only had sweets ONCE in the past two weeks b/c we had supper club and I thought it would be rude to not eat the dessert that had been made by one of the families. That was a GREAT decision b/c it was a delicious pear spice cake w a pecan praline topping! Which reminds me that when i'm restricting my sweets, I might as well only eat really WONDERFUL sweets (like that cake) that would be totally worth blowing my calorie and carb-budgets! No more "crappy" sweets for me...only the best (i think i'll do this w wine too since i've got to be saving us TONS of money by not drinking as much these days).

I’ve only drank two nights and not that much really…only 2-3 glasses of wine (which is very little compared to my old ways of drinking 4-6 glasses a night). Boy that’s hard to admit out loud…I wonder what people think of other people’s drinking habits? I know there’s lots of judgment out there about drinking….well, there are judgments about many human “foibles”, but drinking seems to be a major one in our society….but I digress.

I’m really proud of myself right now…can you tell!??!? I know I can do whatever I want if I keep myself focused and strong. I know I’ll lose this weight, be able to run a 5K faster and feel sexier and prettier and more fit very soon….all these things really boost my self-confidence and help me stay happier, more peaceful and MORE IN CONTROL!

If you want to read my weight-loss blog to see what i've been doing the past two weeks to acheive some success, go to: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=GOSHEILA (you have to scroll down the page to see the separate entries after my long-winded "intro" section).

Now I just need some non-physical goals….well, I have many of those, just not actively working on them like the exercise and diet goals (which are so much easier to measure than spiritual or intellectual or other behavioral goals)! Maybe I can create some new logs to track progress toward my other goals (like the exercise and food logs I use on sparkpeople.com)?!?! Yes, this is a good idea….now, to the job of developing these other goals. Can’t now b/c I have tons more cleaning around the house to complete today b/c my in-laws are coming for dinner tomorrow night!

Also, my insane children keep fighting and driving me crazy today!

Becoming a Loser and Controlling SOMETHING!

Well, as out of control that i have seemed to be feeling over the past few months, i have finally decided to take control of something-my weight!

I did it last year....losing 20 pounds between Sept 2007 and June 2008, so I'm ready to get to it again! I've been wanting to work on this since September when I lost the baby but I kept letting too many excuses "over-rule" my attempts to eat better, drink less and exercise more" (my mantra that helped me last year).

I'm not really sure where this strong sense of motivation and energy has come from (and i don't frankly care, i'm just happy it's here) but i'm going to grab hold and ride it!!!

Before, I just kept telling myself the wrong things, like "Oh who cares, this candy or this drink will make you feel better NOW." OR "You are going thru a tough emotional time, people will understand if you gain a little weight." OR "What the hell, I want to enjoy my life and not worry about how I look."


I'm now telling myself the RIGHT things, like

"Put a little effort in now and you will be proud of what you accomplish."

"I really like how I look in my clothes when they fit or are LOOSE."

"You cannot buy any new clothes until you reach your goal."

"Just remember how confident and happy you were on your 40th birthday when you were wearing a size 6 dress and everyone noticed how cute you were and complimented you on your weight loss?!?!?!!"

"I know you are starving now, but that means your body is metabolizing the FAT and hopefully dropping the poundage off your body."


I'm starting at 145. I was 132 on June 24, 2008 (my 40th birthday) and had gained about 10-13 pounds w the pregnancy that ended in mid-September. I actually thought that once I lost the baby and my body got back to "normal" that I would lose about 5-10 pounds, but I think the emotional eating and drinking (and the decreased exercise) kept the weight on and i've actually fluctuated upwards to 146-7 range.

My goal is to get below 140 by the end of February using the low-carb technique and then after I get that initial "boost" or "success", I will switch back to the healthy eating guidelines provided by http://www.sparkpeople.com/ (that i used so successfully last year) to get to 135 by the end of April and hopefully 130 by my next birthday (June 24, 2009).

If you are interested in following my journey or leaving me some support (which you can do here as well), i have a separate weight-loss blog (there's a link over to the side under "Get Your Clicks w My Daily Clicks" or go to: http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=GOSHEILA

Well, I think I'm in KETOSIS (Google it) now and I'm enjoying this feeling that I may ALREADY be making progress (i started last Thursday, Feb 12). If you are interested in low-carb dieting, there's an awesome blog that I follow by the doc who co-wrote "Protein Power" w his wife, Dr. Michael Eades at: http://www.proteinpower.com/drmike/

My cousin Cecelia who lost 100 pounds using the low-carb diet and lifestyle is also "coaching me" to help me out with this first "induction" phase of low-carb (she got me started on Dr. Mike). She is GREAT and spent a long time writing an excellent e-mail FULL of personalized advice for me! I really REALLY appreciate it! I'm so lucky to have people like her who care in my life!!

Okay, i'm ready to CHARGE ahead and lose lose lose....i'm so excited to become a loser!!!!

Celebrations

My kids are all into celebrations and holidays. They are constantly asking me "What is Next?" or "When is Easter?" So they are of course very excited about St. Valentine's Day coming up. Yesterday we started on our homemade Valentine cards and had lots of fun with that....we will be working on them all week as they prepare for their class parties and we need to mail some off to family members at least by Wednesday....

I think this may be my favorite holiday too....and it's not just b/c i'm in love and have MANY wonderful relationships to celebrate (i think of Valentine's as a day to tell all the special people in your life that you love them)....I just really like the happiness that it seems to spread around and i like being able to decorate the house with frilly flowers and hearts (our combined taste in this house is more contemporary and so we don't usually have much of this girly stuff around).

It does sadden me that some people get depressed on this day b/c they don't have that one special person to celebrate with and I hope they will find their happiness (which isn't always another human).

i have more thoughts on this, but i will work on this more later. i have to go pick up:
a book at the library for my husband who doesn't have a library card,
the eggs that the Costco peeps forgot to load into my cart, and
my darling daughter at preschool.

Evolving My Perspective

There is a huge jumble of thoughts in my head this morning:

First, I’m feeling really great—physically and mentally! When I feel like this, my mind gets so many thoughts at a time that I can’t concentrate very well b/c its like all my “synapses are firing at once.”

Thinking about…

…the weather and kind of hoping its going to rain so I don’t have go out to run.

….but I really want to go out to run and take advantage of this beautiful day and good physical feeling at the moment and keep working toward my fitness and health goals and LOSING WEIGHT!

….thinking about the toilet Dad broke in half and wanted to keep around for his “half-assed friends” and wondering if most of what I do is half-assed b/c I try to do so many things and try to learn about so many things that I am never really “full-assed” about anything…but of course I was a full-ass in college sometimes and a full-ass when judging others.

…when praying in the chapel this morning (it was First Fri so it was also Adoration and there were other ppl in the chapel). Did you know I go to the chapel every Friday since I lost the baby and light candles and pray for her and for my dad and Caroline and any other of the several ppl suffering these days? Anyway, LOTS of stuff popped in my head there…

Like why can’t God just be this superhero and send out a major lighting bolt that cures everyone all at once who is suffering from cancer? I’m only thinking of this one disease b/c it’s all over the place. MULTIPLE MYLOMA….that’s what Dad’s current cancer is called….THERE now it has a name…well, it’s had a name but I’ve been kind of shoving that to the back of my brain for a while and not really thinking consciously about it but it was in the paper today (along with two references to pancreatic cancer) and its stuck in my brain now (in the forefront not shoved in back anymore).

Well, I was wondering if enough people prayed all at the same exact moment, would that inspire God to wipe out cancer (or any of the thousands of dreaded diseases out there)? Then I thought that would NEVER EVER happen b/c who would orchestrate that? Who could inspire millions, billions of ppl to all pray at the exact same time??? It seems not even Jesus can inspire that kind of dedication!

Then of course I started questioning the whole Christianity thing b/c that is only one of (probably) thousands of religions that humans attest to. Well I got off thinking about it from a Christian perspective (OH “Perspective” is WHOLE other topic that was churning around in my head…and I’ll have to come back to that to complete this thought…and I need to go back and re-read all this stuff above to see what I have left unfinished).

Okay, so back to God the superhero! I think that it really wouldn’t be possible to get everyone (or maybe even LOTS AND LOTS of people) to say a prayer at the same exact time to spark or stimulate or inspire or IMPRESS God enough to rid of us at least one disease for so many reasons:
A. We all couldn’t agree on the right words.
B. We all couldn’t agree on when/where.
C. We all couldn’t agree on so many levels (I’m tired of thinking of the many reasons).

So I was thinking that maybe it had to be something that “evolved” over time and maybe that’s what religion is all about? Or maybe it’s better to say that’s what spirituality is all about? Because religion connotes something formal and organized (and well, maybe that’s what I’m proposing if I want everyone to get on the same page so we can IMPRESS God enough?!?!). Well anyway, it’s all symantics, Sheila, get on with it! Here’s what I think about the evolution of spiritual or religious or maybe it should just be “hooking up w God” (have to think of a new word for that).

Okay, finally, here’s what I came up with:
Our lives are a prayer. If we can live our lives as a prayer then God will be IMPRESSED and save us all from the terrible pains and sufferings of being a human!

We have to make everything we do a prayer. So what is a prayer? It’s doing everything, every minute to the best of your ability to serve others and to help yourself and others find fulfillment. Now what is fulfillment? Well, of course, it is different for everyone so you have to take time to learn “UNDERSTANDING” and/or “EMPATHY”. Of course, these are two of the most freaking difficult things to learn in the world and it’s going to take time for all people to learn these concepts and EVOLVE enough to make their lives a prayer and to find their own fulfillment and to aid others in their quest for fulfillment.

Well, that sounds pretty “high falutin” and it’s not like anyone has never thought of this shit before, but when I find some enlightenment, I get excited and impressed with myself! It also sounds very much what I was taught all those 22 years of Catholic education! But I think (well I don’t know, only think b/c as you know I don’t study anything in very much depth) that many religions or spirituality are based on this thought of dedicating your life to something higher than yourself?!??!

Okay, so back to “PERSPECTIVE” b/c this is an essential ingredient to “UNDERSTANDING” and “EMPATHY”:

Perspective is definitely one of those “skills” that must evolve over time. Nobody is born with the ability to look at every situation and every person from the correct perspective to truly know everything about that situation or person. There are so many examples every minute of the day where I want to judge why a person is doing a certain thing (I like to make up little stories in my head about what is happening with complete strangers…LOVE TO PEOPLE watch and do this little story thing in my head) and then I try to stop myself and put it into “perspective”. Now I’m feeling stupid and need to go look up the official definition of perspective, but I think it means something like: viewing something from the correct “lens” or focusing from the right angle? Oh bother, going to look it up...(oops i never got back to this).

BUT, okay, the bigger thing here about perspective is that only experience and maturity can help you form a better perspective or sharpen your sensitivity to others and sharpen your ability to forgive others of their faults. OFTEN, I am pooh poohing the parents at the schools who do not volunteer and help out….but I have to think there must be something else going on in their lives and other priorities that keep them from pitching in and we can’t all be “SUPER-parents”? But it seems that they can find a little teeny bit of time to help out!??!?!? Right!??!? However, my perspective on this is getting much more sharp b/c now that I have my Dad’s health and the well-being of my own two kids and my husband (not to mention caring for and nurturing my relationships with FRIENDS), I can (I almost typed “completely” but I do NOT completely) sort of understand that everyone has different priorities.

So here’s my thing about priorities, it appears to me that too many people make THEMSELVES (just them, not extending the “them” to being their families too, I mean just the one person is focused on their very own well-being) the priority and THESE are the people that I get so frustrated with! Now I know there are times in everyone’s lives when they MUST take time to focus on only themselves (for example: to get over some great loss or to heal from an injury or illness).

However, it seems many people get STUCK in that “stage” and remain stuck in their self-absorbed little world…and I get really ticked off at people like that! I have very low tolerance and perspective and understanding and empathy for these people!

Although, as I think this thru here, I must really know someone for a long time to pass this judgement on them, b/c there’s no way I can pass this judgement on some parent at the school that I barely know but sense this might be their problem b/c of course, it could only be a phase for them?!?! Therefore, the only people I can judge as self-absorbed are people that I have observed for a long time….DAMN, that kind of blows my rationale for passing judgement on the MANY people (from my flawed perspective that I just talked myself out of) that I think are too focused on themselves….UGH!

Well, not “UGH” b/c I just applied my perspective and experience to give myself another tool to be more prayerful. I am always looking for more tools or tricks for my mind to help me NOT judge others. Judging others is one of my majorest, biggest pet peeves…I know I do it and I HATE IT! It is not my place to judge b/c I have no freaking idea what is expected by God to impress him or to pass the “good person” test. I try REALLY REALLY hard not to judge or if I judge I try to keep it to myself, but it seems to have become something of a regular hobby of most humans.

Think about it, from the time we are little kids, we are looking at others and imitating them and trying to be a certain way. We are judging from others’ actions and words, what we think is appropriate and the right way to behave. I guess judgment isn’t totally wrong, it’s just wrong when you judge without all the facts (and when can we ever have ALL the facts) and then share your judgment with others in a mean or hurtful way….the age old, favorite of women AND MEN alike called “gossip.”!

I think I hate judgment so much b/c I have been the object of bad judgment or gossip in the past and I really don’t like people forming opinions about me without all the facts. Yes, I know I form opinions about others without all the facts too, but I mostly try to keep it to myself or only “share” okay, yes call it what it is, “gossip” with people I trust and who really know me and will understand that I’m not trying to be hurtful or mean, I’m just “joining” in or trying to “fit in” with the conversation.

Holy shit, I’ve almost been sitting here an hour “barfing” all over this page! It feels good and I feel like I’ve said some interesting things….should I post to the blog?

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I operate and I do really love to hear myself….ergo, I can sort of “hear” myself when I write all this stuff out. But I’m also kind of an annoying presence when I’m with people b/c of this “love” of myself, I tend to monopolize conversations or try to say stuff to impress others without listening more carefully. I need to work harder on listening and being a better conversationalist and a better friend b/c who wants a friend that just talks all the time and doesn’t reciprocate with a few minutes of earnest, empathetic listening!??!?!?

AH, maybe I can “say” all the stuff I want to say here and then I’ll have time to listen!??!?