a bunch of random thoughts right now:
A. I really take this friendship thing WAY TOO freakin serious! I really enjoy re-connnecting w ppl on facebook and i actually think it's important to try to see what ppl are doing and what they are thinking and actually react to them.....i know it's pretty impossible to keep up with everyone all the time, but i sure do try. However, one good thing about all the perspective I have gained over the past 4 weeks (brought upon by Dad's death) is that I do NOT take it so personally anymore when ppl don't respond or react to ME!
B. DURING the successful completion (run/walk @ about a 11:45 pace) 5 miles in an hour on Friday (where i was LITERALLY stunned, amazed and impressed w myself), I got this awesome insight and I think Dad sent it to me:
I cannot let the grief and depression consume me and CHANGE me--because that would just be kind of a "slap in the face" or a disservice or dishonor or disgrace to all that Dad taught me. Because he had one of the most influential positions or was one of my greatest teachers (next to Mom) in making me who I am, and if I change now, it's like saying all that he taught me was not worth it. I know I'm not clearly stating this insight, i just want to say that "Now is NOT the time to sink into major depression and not be all that I can be b/c he would not approve and he didn't teach me to be that way."
C. A PROUD PROUD moment! Quinn recited this little poem at her school on Friday. Most the other kids (save ONE other) could not remember their poem or were too quiet or wouldn't even go to the front of the class.....so here to share with you...please view my little DRAMA QUEEN!
Butterfly recited by Quinn
2 comments:
The drama queen is adorable.
You said "Now is NOT the time to sink into major depression and not be all that I can be b/c he would not approve and he didn't teach me to be that way."
I hadn't seen your dad in many years but I do remember him quite well, and the time I spent with your family when we were kids. What I remember most about your dad is his honesty and sense of fair play.
Of course you're the only one who can say what a "major" depression is and what's healthy and what's not. Having said that, you have to also know that depression is part of the grieving process, and resisting it by force of will doesn't strike me as very honest; rather, it strikes me as trying to live up to an impossible ideal.
The Buddhists call this "Aversion". It means avoiding things that help us grow because those things are unpleasant, and it's one of the three Causes of Suffering enumerated in the Noble Truths.
I say this without judgement and please don't take it that way. Again, you're the only one who can say what's good for you and what's not. But I would ask you to consider what I'm saying, and knowing what kind of man he was, consider what your dad might have expected of you: To grieve properly and thoroughly, to heal and gain some degree of acceptance so that you can MOVE ON; or to push past it more quickly than you should?
I hope this didn't come out the wrong way and I hope you're taking it as intended. All I mean to say is, consider that grief is necessary, that the loss of someone as close to you as your dad can't help but change you, and acknowledging that doesn't dishonor who he was.
Anyway it's my two cents, sorry if it came off as all preachy.
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